Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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