i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
