it was like eating out sand paper
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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