Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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