new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
