obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
