I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
