Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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