Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
