Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
