I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
