i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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