I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
