I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
