I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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