i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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