party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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