at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I think i got beer on your cat.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
