pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
