I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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