if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
