I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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