The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
