call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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