She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
