Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The adults are the big ones right?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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