why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
