david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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