He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
