I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
