if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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