you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
