pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
