i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
