I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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