i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
