please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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