yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
