you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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