I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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