Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
