I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
