Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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