FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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