never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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