if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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