Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
