M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
