Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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