dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Girls should come with a carfax report
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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