new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
