I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
