Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
