i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
