Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I would ride that face into the sunset
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
