she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
