I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
