Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
