I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
