Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
