christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
