I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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