Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize