How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
